ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING DEEPER?

What if you have lived a life thinking that you were so wrong? Then suddenly you were convinced that the life you have been living is not a quite perfect life. So, what you did was you pursued to re-make your life. Re-make your life by living your present as if you are re-living your past. Taking all aspects of your present life as a compensation of all the wrong things you have done in the past.

Were you in a point in your life that you thought you can re-live your past with your present? Simply because looking at others who are doing well with life and who are lucky enough not to fall like you did, you see you can do better than them given the right circumstance? They have just the life you dream of in your life—perfectly pious, sinless, and looked up to by many. Have you ever felt so regretful looking a woman who never have been in a relationship? Who was adored by her purity? And in silence you are feeling unwanted because you are just far too far from the standard of a pure woman. You are just feeling so far from the woman who has kept her purity before the wedding. What you have is a life messed up and because of all you have been through with relationships, you have thought many times, “How can I re-live my life because I would have chosen differently and would do my best to live a pure life?”

Or you may be a delinquent student and now given the second chance you are doing your best never to repeat your delinquent life before. You are looking to your innocent classmates in the honors’ list and saying to yourself, “How I wish I could start my schooling just like them in this time without the record of all the failing marks in my Transcript of Records. I wish I would also soon graduate with honors.” You are in a situation where even how much you try you can not just easily erase the marks of your past. You just simply needed to live with it.

Or you may be someone coming out from a divorce or an abusive relationship and you just couldn’t simply help but feel regretful of all your decisions in the past. You look at the happy couples around you and you say to yourself, “How I wish, I could turn back time and have chosen differently, I wish I listened to my parents.” You are living your present with the desire to re-live a life that is closer to perfect and admirable.

I have never been to any of those situations but I have my own versions of desires--desires to make my life more ideal and admirable. It just pains your heart so much looking at your messed-up life when others are adored by living perfectly the life you weren’t able to. You feel so unfair when people flock at those people whose lives were just so up to the standard and you are left behind feeling so unwanted and feeling so unlovable. With this feeling you take advantage every opportunity to change and feel better with yourself because finally you are reaching the standard. Unconsciously, the god of your life is to make yourself admirable and ideal so you feel the affirmation you have craved for a long time.

One day, you woke up with all the eyes on you because finally you have lived a perfect and admirable life. You become successful and finally reached your goal of godliness. You feel as if you have not sinned at all. You felt like so pure again. You enjoyed the attention, the affirmation, but for a moment.

Who would have thought that that pedestal would shatter? Who would ever thought that you are in the heights of your fulfillment just but a moment? It is only for a moment because finally, you realized that you were fooled by your heart. You thought that it feels so good to be look up to. You have thought that being loved, affirmed, and accepted because of your close to perfect life will bring you great joy. But in a moment standing on that pedestal became so tiresome, being looked as perfect is just so superficial, and being considered the ideal is just so shallow.

After all this you realized that what is really genuine and deep experiencer is to be accepted and be affirmed not because you are perfect but by just who you really are—not perfect, a failure, tried many times to make up with life by her own will, worked hard to gain people’s affirmation, worked hard to cope-up with the standards and be looked at as worthy, and have thought many times to re-live life to be accepted. A person that was never changed by the work of perfecting her life.

Friends, for a long time I have thought that life is all about reaching the highest ideals, and if you don’t have the ideal in your life, you just don’t deserve any praise. So, I did my best to be that ideal but ended up still not the ideal.

When did my life made sense? It was only when I met Jesus, who unconditionally embraced me when I came nearer to Him. I was just peeping by the window because I heard about Him from my teacher. I heard that Jesus can change my life. I was only by the window but I felt like Jesus noticed me and called me by my name and he ran to me and gave me the most genuine hug I have ever felt. Jesus ran to me. (I am using some imagination with my experience.)

My life in Jesus is not about reaching up and working hard to reach the perfect standard. My life is knowing Him more and more each day. My life each day is to discover the depth and heights of His love for me and humanity. It is now a life of daily experiencing His grace—living in peace and joy that are above all understanding. I am often tempted, I am often visited by the pain of the past, I am often tormented by the present uncertainties but I stand on a higher ground. I am still vulnerable to failures and defeat, and even mistakes but my vision is higher.

Now, I know that, in Jesus my life is grounded in His love for me. I believe that His promise of strength, love, patience, kindness, long-suffering, and joy will come to me every morning.

Now, I know that even before crying for a new life, He already offered it to me. I know that even before I even utter my desire to be cleansed, I already am given the one in a million chance in Jesus.

Now, all I want is to love HIM—obedience comes out naturally, it is not even obedience at all it is just responding to the unconditional love I have received.

Now, it is not about people to see me perfect and ideal. It is about telling them what set me free from working on the ideals and perfection.

What is an ideal life? It is only a life under the GRACE OF JESUS CHRIST!

Are you searching for something deeper? Look, where I found it—Jesus Christ!